happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i think i have two assholes
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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