the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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