if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize