So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
