There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
