Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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