the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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