Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
