just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
