Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
