He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
