hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
