I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
