At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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