Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
