I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
