turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
