I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
