umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
