Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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