my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
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