If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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