I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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