Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
