At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
