I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
