oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
