my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
