So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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