you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
