i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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