how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
