I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
