My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
