I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
