I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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