so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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