Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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