My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
