A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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