well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
