Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He kissed a someone with a penis
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I fill condoms, not promises.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
