I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
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