I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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