You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
high people should be assigned attendants
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
