The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
