Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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