booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
