Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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