If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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