fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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