There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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