i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
