I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
