It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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