My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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